He Was Never Yours Sis You Just Made It Up
You Just Lied to Yourself: How Women Betray Islamic Courtship and Destroy Their Own Dignity.
Imagine standing on a massive bridge, looking down at the water flowing beneath you.
You feel the wind against your skin, the sturdy structure beneath your feet, and the vast openness of the space around you.
The bridge is strong, unshakable, and real. There’s no doubt about where you stand.
Now compare that to looking at a picture of the same bridge on your phone.
No matter how clear or perfectly captured, it’s just an image. You can see the bridge, but you can’t feel it. You can’t walk across it. There’s no wind on your skin, no solid ground beneath your feet, no true sense of its scale or presence.
It gives the illusion of something tangible, but it offers no real experience, no movement, no foundation.
🚨 This is exactly the difference between structured Islamic courtship and the emotional delusions of modern, unstructured relationships.
Women Who Chase the Picture vs. Women Who Walk the Bridge
Women who ignore Islamic courtship chase the picture. They invest in potential, get trapped in cycles of wishful thinking, and waste months (or years) hoping a relationship will lead somewhere.
Meanwhile, there are men who knowingly lead women on, keeping them emotionally invested without ever taking meaningful action.
These men will:
Say all the right things, but avoid taking real steps toward marriage.
Keep you emotionally attached, but never clarify their true intentions.
Make you believe that commitment is coming, but delay it indefinitely.
And what happens?
📌 The moment reality doesn’t match the fantasy, you feel confused, betrayed, and hurt.
Because it was never real to begin with.
Women who follow Islamic courtship stand on the real bridge. They don’t wonder if they’re being led on. They don’t need to decode mixed signals or cling to uncertainty.
They move with confidence, clarity, and purpose, knowing that real commitment is built on action, not assumptions or false promises.
The Women Who Chase the Picture of Marriage Tell Themselves…
“This is different.”
“He’s not like the others. He listens. He cares.”
“This must be leading somewhere. Why else would he still be here?”
But deep down, they know the truth.
She knew she was lying to herself.
She knew she was investing emotionally with no structure, no foundation, no clarity.
She knew she was betraying Islamic courtship, choosing feelings over the right process.
And now?
🚩 She’s left embarrassed, bitter, and resentful. Not just because he entertained her without intent, but because she filled in the blanks, betraying Islamic courtship for wishful thinking.
Are You That Woman?
You convinced yourself he was serious when he wasn’t.
You ignored every sign instead of walking away.
You clung to false hope instead of holding yourself to a standard that would have protected you.
Now you’re living with the consequences.
But here’s the thing, it doesn’t have to end like this.
Some women will keep making the same mistakes, refusing to learn. Others? They will wake up, reclaim their dignity, and never repeat this cycle again.
📌 Which one are you going to be?
Delusion 1: You Thought He Was Interested Just Because He Engaged With You
Let’s be clear: A man enjoying your presence does not mean he’s planning a future with you.
Men can and do entertain women they have zero intention of marrying not because they’re evil, but because they can.
🚩And some men? They deliberately lead women on.
They love the attention and the emotional investment you give them.
They enjoy talking to you, but they don’t see you as their wife.
They keep the conversation going, but they have no urgency to take real steps.
I’ve seen this too many times. A sister came to me once, devastated. She had spent months texting a brother daily, believing they were getting somewhere.
He shared deep conversations with her, checked in when she was sick, and even told her he respected her.
🚩 But he never once made his intentions clear.
Then one day, he stopped responding.
She was shattered, convinced that she had missed a sign, that she had done something wrong.
The reality? He was never serious. She just convinced herself he was.
When he asked about her day, she thought it meant he genuinely cared.
When he laughed at her jokes, she assumed it was chemistry.
When he remembered small details, she took it as proof she was special to him
At no point did she stop and ask herself:
📌 What actual evidence do I have that this is leading to marriage?
Instead of looking at facts, she created a false reality in her mind. She let emotions override logic, assigning meaning to casual exchanges that, in reality, meant nothing.
🚨 Islam does not teach women to cling to emotions alone, it teaches them to assess structure, intention, and action.
But ignoring wisdom would have ruined the fantasy created.
She didn’t want to admit:
This connection had no foundation. Getting emotionally invested in nothing. He was friendly, not committed.
The Islamic Truth: Marriage is built on intention, not interaction. A man’s consistency in conversation means nothing without structured steps toward commitment.
📌 Action Step: Instead of overanalysing conversations, ask yourself:
Has he clearly stated his intention for marriage?
Are there real expectations in place, or am I assuming progress?
If I remove my emotions, is there actual movement toward marriage?
If answering these makes you uncomfortable, you already know the truth.
Delusion #2: You Ignored the Islamic Structure Because It Was Inconvenient
If this happened to you with knowledge, you knew exactly what Islamic courtship required.
✔ A man serious about marriage makes his intentions clear from the start.
✔ A wali (Male Guardian) provides structure, accountability, and protection.
✔ Islam does not allow casual emotional attachment without a clear purpose.
🚩 But you ignored all of it.
You feared that if you brought up marriage too soon, you would seem desperate.
You worried that involving a wali would kill the "natural flow" of the connection.
You convinced yourself that setting expectations too early would scare him away.
So instead of following the process that protects you, you prioritised your emotions over discipline.
What you failed to realise is that abandoning Islamic principles never leads to success.
🚩 A man can love your energy, enjoy your presence, and keep in touch all while having zero intention of making you his wife.
You didn’t want to accept that if he was serious, he would take tangible steps toward marriage not just entertain deep conversations indefinitely.
📌 Action Step: Instead of avoiding structure, ask yourself:
Would I want my daughter handling courtship the way I am?
Am I prioritising emotions over the wisdom of Islamic guidance?
Am I investing in something that does not align with my values?
If the answer is yes, then you have placed yourself in harm’s way instead of protecting yourself.
Delusion 3: You Ruminated Instead of Moving Forward
When your picture marriage ended, you didn’t just walk away.
You obsessed over it.
You re-read old messages, searching for proof that he once took you seriously.
You analysed every interaction, wondering if you had misread his intentions.
You convinced yourself that if you had just done something differently, he might have stayed.
🚩 But the truth is, there was nothing to analyse because there was nothing real to begin with.
A man’s intentions are not revealed over time. His actions reveal them in the present.
📌 Islamic Truth: Islam does not encourage dwelling on the past. It teaches resilience, growth, and accountability. The Prophet ﷺ emphasised accepting Qadr (divine decree) and moving forward.
📌 Action Step: Instead of obsessing over the past, ask yourself:
What mistakes did I make, and how can I correct them?
What part of the Islamic process did I ignore, and what will I do differently next time?
How can I ensure I never repeat this cycle again?
If you refuse to ask these questions, you will relive the same heartbreak over and over again.
Ready to Break the Cycle?
Some women will read this and go back to making the same mistakes.
Others? They will wake up.
They will stop wasting time on emotionally unproductive connections.
They will stop holding onto meaningless interactions.
They will stop waiting for men to eventually prove themselves and instead, require clarity and commitment from the start.
What You Must Do Next:
Follow the Islamic framework without exception.
Hold yourself accountable for your own mistakes.
Move forward with self-respect, not regret.
The women who succeed in marriage aren’t lucky they are the ones who stopped lying to themselves and finally demanded better.
📌Which one are you going to be?
NEXT POST
This discussion isn’t complete without addressing the women who do everything right, who honour Islamic courtship, seek marriage the right way, yet still struggle to find a spouse.
Just as the Qur’an warns with examples of mistakes, it also highlights those who uphold the truth and the challenges they endure.
Is their struggle about delays, broken proposals, or being overlooked despite their sincerity?
In my next article, I’ll break down this reality, their journey, their obstacles, and what their version of struggle looks like.
Because their story matters too. Stay tuned.
P.S My coaching is available 🔗 Click Link Here
This is what it means to write unapologetically, unravelling the truth to its bare minimum. This is what we need, not the ones dedicated to please fools. Thanks for this piece, Zainab. Allāhuma Barrik 🤍
What a beautiful article, all unmarried Muslim girls need to read this. It's such an important piece, and an eye opener. I was nodding all along while reading it!