Opening Your Eyes to the Compatibility That Builds Happy Marriages

Jan 05, 2025

For many of us, the concept of compatibility begins with surface-level ideas.

It might revolve around shared humour, storytelling ability, or physical attraction.

While these can spark interest, they barely scratch the surface of what true compatibility requires.

A marriage, blessed by Allah and designed as a partnership for life, calls for much deeper understanding of yourself, your faith, and your partner.

The Foundation: Self-Discovery Through Worship and Reflection

True compatibility starts with understanding yourself, and this journey is deeply tied to your relationship with Allah. Reflecting on your strengths, character, and personality through the lens of faith allows you to identify areas for growth. This form of self-awareness is not just about introspection; it’s also an act of worship. As Allah says in the Qur’an:

“And do not be like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves.” (Qur’an 59:19)

When you make worship central to your self-discovery, you open the door to clarity. Ask Allah to help you recognise your strengths, inadequacies, and areas where you can improve. Prayer (dua) becomes a key tool here. For example, you can regularly ask:

“O Allah, guide me to see myself as I truly am, and help me improve what pleases You and refine what does not.”

Self-discovery also involves practical steps, such as:

Introspection: Observe your behaviour, thoughts, and how you respond to challenges. Journaling can help capture these insights.
Feedback: Seek honest opinions from close family and trusted friends. Their reflections can illuminate strengths you might overlook and areas you can work on.
Personality Testing: Tools like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI Free Test), Big Five Personality Traits (Open Psychometrics Free Test), or the Enneagram (Free Enneagram Test) can provide structured insights. Use these as supplements to your introspection, always filtering results through an Islamic perspective.

The Layers of Compatibility

When seeking a spouse, it’s crucial to consider compatibility on multiple levels:

1. Personality Compatibility

Knowing your personality helps you identify who complements you. Reflect on people in your life whom you naturally get along with, siblings, friends, or mentors. Do they share traits that align with your own? For example, if you value calmness and patience, you might seek similar traits in a spouse. Use the results from personality tests to explore these dynamics further.

2. Character and Values

Your spouse’s character is a cornerstone of your marriage. Traits such as patience, kindness, and emotional intelligence create harmony. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

This advice applies to men and women alike. Prioritise character over fleeting qualities.

3. Cultural and Educational Background

Similar cultural values and educational experiences can foster mutual understanding. However, this doesn’t mean you must share the same ethnicity. For example, growing up in a similar environment or having aligned educational experiences can bridge gaps.

4. Religious Alignment

Marriage is a union designed to bring you closer to Allah. When both partners share a commitment to worship and growing in faith, they lay the foundation for a stronger bond. Discuss expectations about Islamic practices, such as prayer, fasting, and charity, early on.

Moving Beyond Superficial Ideas

Many young people, particularly in their teens and 20s, approach compatibility with an idealistic lens. While this is natural, it often overlooks deeper aspects. With maturity comes the realisation that shared values, faith, and a willingness to grow together matter far more than initial sparks of attraction or humour.

If you’re already married, I pray that your union continues to grow in understanding and love. For those whose marriages didn’t work out, remember that Allah’s mercy is vast. Every experience, whether successful or not, is an opportunity for growth.

For those yet to marry, I hope this reflection helps you build a strong foundation. As you embark on this journey, take the time to understand yourself deeply and rely on Allah for guidance.